What might it be like?

Ava and Claire will be here Wednesday April 22nd at 12:30pm. As I am standing on the brink of this life altering moment it is a simple thing for which I am thankful. Madilyn’s birthday is August 22nd and I can never remember that. There is a long story behind why I cannot remember or why I just refuse to remember. However, now with Ava and Claire coming on April 22 all my children (so far) will have been born on the 22nd. I am thankful for this because I usually allow more into my life than I can possibly handle so something being simplified like everyone’s birthday being on the 22nd is a help.

I am nervous about raising three girls. A close friend of mine has helped me understand how the world is not all that fair to women and growing up as a woman can be very difficult. I hope I can communicate daily their amazing worth and value to both their mother and I and their Creator. Of course making this decision is easy and probably overrated, what is difficult is managing the decision daily.

I think we all invest our energy on a wheel of activity that will not in the end satisfy us like the energy we invest in our children. The energy we invest in our children actually creates an energy source for our lives later. As I pour my life into Madilyn, Ava and Claire, yes, it makes me tired but memories are generated and stored and later they become fuel for me as an old man to know I lived well. In addition, and this is even better, they become fuel for the girls to help them make the best decisions, to live confidently and trust the God of heaven.   

So the decision is made but then making decisions is overrated…managing and following through with that decision for the duration is the key.

A ‘Moment’ In Twenty09

I wonder what the the Father thinks of all our new year promises each revolution around the sun? I spent some time this morning thinking of last years ‘promises’ or resolutions for 2008 and sadly they did not get far beyond January. For some reason though that will not hinder me from sitting down at some point today or tomorrow and making some goals for ‘09. There is something about us as humans that keeps us convinced that the future can be better than the present. We are always hopeful for tomorrow. If you were to ask us for some evidence as to why we are hopeful for tomorrow, our best evidence would be circumstantial and something along the lines of a hunch. I mean we can point to coming things and know that at their coming our lives will be better, for example, this year Mari and I will have child number two and three at the same time. We have good evidence that leads us to believe that life will be better in the future. But most of the time we have no strong evidence that our lives will be better in the future. And even our evidence of Mari’s growing belly and numerous ultrasounds is dependent on God’s continued protection of our little ones.

The reality is most of us spend the majority of our lives in the past reflecting or in the future dreaming. We look to the past and reflect which causes either joy over happier days or guilt due to poor decisions and maybe a little of both. We look to the future with hope of better days, or of things working out the way we wish them. Wherever we spend most of our mental living, either the past or the future, while we are there we miss the place life is actually happening. Maybe this year, we will not think about the year, and only think about the day. I am learning about myself that I am most happy when I am not looking backward or dreaming forward too often, but instead just enjoying the moment that is grace filled.

You see our pasts are full of forgiveness, and our futures do have hope because God has promised good to us, but our present is where his true riches are…right now in this moment. see them….?

twins

I have not sat down and wrote for a while because the greatest news that I could ever imagine has taken place in our lives and it has not settled in yet. Marianne is pregnant with twins and that is amazing. When we lost the last pregnancy due to it being tubal I had great pain and we both were not sure we ever wanted to go through another pregnancy but God had other plans. Don’t get me wrong we played a part in it as well but his sense of humor is truly amazing. I am working steadily on pushing anxiety and stress out of my life over this pregnancy because I do not want to be living inconsistently with what I preach and believe. So we are enjoying this ride God has placed us on because he is the author of our lives.

It is amazing what the Father is teaching me through this. Central is in a bad way with finances and it is going to take courageous and massive faith based leadership to lead her to healthy place. I would think this would have me stressed to the end but for some reason I got very little personal anxiety over the church. I guess it is like our lives…he is the author of Central’s story and I am a character in her story and will play my role in the way he leads. I know that the coming weeks and months will be hard as we restructure as an organization but anything worth having or doing is going to be hard. I am praying for my own leadership and fortitude and toughness so I will be able to withstand the challenges which face us. Truly what a crazy world our world has become but none of this has caught the father off guard and could it be possible that for this reason I was called to Lawrenceville…I hope so and that hope is enough…for now.

Thanks for reading.

no hotdog for him

How can it be that much of what we do in Christ’s name and for God’s glory we do as if God is a spectator in our little screwed up world we are trying to manage? I am growing convinced that as we lead in a local congregation we do so without really believing that God is active in all situations. Don’t get me wrong when something good happens in our ministry we are quick to say this is God moving in our lives and in our ministries but when negative things happen we somehow think God is absent or just watching us flounder in our efforts. This is weird but I think pride for me is more of a problem when things are not good as opposed to when things are good. When something truly incredible takes place I am quick to say, ‘this is God and it has nothing to do with me’. But, as soon as things take a negative downturn I am wondering how I can control it or fix it. Immediately my pride kicks in through the avenue of worry and anxiety causing me to believe that somehow I am responsible for the outcome. The fact of the matter is, if the positive things in God’s church are not about me or because of me then the negative things that inevitably happen are not either. If God is sovereign then he is sovereign over all or nothing. If he is in control then he is moving and working in all things for his glory. Whether it is comfortable, enjoyable or even painful for me does not figure into the equation.  As in all situations I am simply responsible to show up and pursue living like Jesus with a reckless abandon. I am learning that God is not in the stands with a foot long hot dog watching me try to lead His Church. No he is our captain on the field leading us to victory for his glory, honor and fame.

We ask too little

What do you say when you prayed for 7 people to be immersed into Christ on a Sunday you are challenging people to clothe themselves with Christ (Galatians 3:27) and God calls 24 to accept that call and put on the savior? You stand amazed! You realize you have too little faith. This was me today because I prayed that God would call 7 people to answer the call to be baptized into Christ and he had such bigger plans. This morning blew me away. It was by the far the greatest day in my short ministry of just around 10 years. At the end of the service we all gathered in a huge circle around the room and prayed and people cheered (not seeker sensitive, I know). I stood by Marianne and held her hand as I led the prayer because I could not have imagined not sharing that moment with God’s ordained partner for my life.

Today’s awesomeness had nothing to do with me or my efforts. Actually I felt like todays gathering prior to the end was average and mediocre. I felt the worship was good but not great and I sensed my message was missing the mark in energy, clarity and flow. Even while I was teaching I was saying in my head, ‘dude Saxton, what is wrong with you, get it together, this is supposed to be an important day.’ It reminded me yet again that ministry, preaching, church leadership, etc is NOT about me or how I feel about it.

So today 24 people ranging from 8 to 55 years of age decided to put on Christ, to take the gift of his armor and step into the battle of their lives. This unbelievable outpouring from God had nothing to do with me or Jay but was only the power of God to save people from their desperation. He loves his people and wants them to win in the spiritual warfare they face continuously so he gave them Jesus to guarantee the victory!

I hope I will remember this lesson and always ask our Father for more especially when it comes to his church!

Chaplain Darren Turner

This morning as I was working for this weekends teaching I ran across a series of articles in the ajc about Chaplain Darren Turner. He is in Iraq serving men who are facing some of the hardest stuff that people have ever faced. Reading through some of the articles I felt strangely emotional. It is easy to think that ministry is hard or difficult but then I read what this guy is doing for the kingdom and something stirs deep in me. It is an appreciation for what he is doing and a prayer of protection over him and his two children in Richmond Hill, GA with their mother. I viewed the images from the series and this one just chewed up my heart.

I think of sacrificing for the kingdom and what comes to mind is missing dinner with my family or working without a day off for a few weeks. I think of Chaplain Turner in this photo with his son clutched to him begging him not to go and tears well up in my eyes. I see the anguish on his face and my heart breaks for him. I see the resolute wife sitting by him and I am thankful Darren has her.

I am impressed and amazed by this man because knowing how much I love Madi and just imagining this scene with me on the couch makes me think of all types of ways I would avoid leaving my family. Head to Canada, Mexico, shoot myself in the foot, anything to keep from leaving my child and wife.
But Darren Turner is a warrior for the kingdom of God sacrificing all the joys of his life for the ultimate joy of Life.

Father, I ask your divine blessing on Darren Turner and the men he serves. May you protect them with your right hand. May you comfort Darren’s men through his efforts and may they see your grace and beauty in the ugly place they inhabit. May all of us who are called to be warriors for you be willing to leave it all behind, even that which we love most.
Amen

Darren Turner – Warrior For God.

providence

Marianne came through her surgery great. We are at her mother and father’s house giving her time to recoup from surgery. We have a follow-up doctor’s appointment on Thursday morning to remove her staples and check her platelets. Due to the surgery Mari cannot pick up anything more than 5 pounds for 4 weeks so Madi is having a hard time understanding why mama cannot pick her up and hold her. In addition I am having a hard time remembering that I have to pick her up. I am certain she will adjust; probably better than I.

The texts and emails we have received have been a great encouragement and comfort. This has been a crazy few days but it is clear that God has been in the middle of this protecting us. It has been a comfort to be in south Georgia through all this because we have our family near to serve us and help with Madi. They have been awesome and we are deeply grateful for them. In addition Marianne’s doctor down here, Dr. Lawrence Odom, is brilliant and we trust him immensely. He is very cautious and never acts cavalier about practicing medicine as some doctors can. We also had an unbelievable nurse at Candler Hospital, her name was Valerie. She is a Christ follower and really served us during our stay. Her demeanor and spirit in an odd way helped us begin the healing process. Because of all these reasons and more we believe that God has been with us as he promised he would be.

Thank you for all your prayers.

beyond intrigue

The news that I wanted to share with you next week that would change our family’s life needs to be shared with you now. However, I am sorry to say the news is quite different than I hoped it would have been. Marianne and I have had a difficult journey through the years with having children. We have one child Madilyn Pearl Saxton and she is 22 months old. She was our fifth pregnancy and she was a miracle. Well a couple of weeks ago we discovered we were pregnant again without really trying all that much. I must be honest I did not want to be excited because of the previous pain. But I chose to embrace this gift from God and trust him with the whole of myself including my anxiety about the pregnancy.

We had blood work and saw our specialist in Savannah who we had seen before. He felt like everything looked pretty good with her test results but we needed to go with the same protocol we used with our first pregnancy. Blood thinner and hormone treatment to help the pregnancy move along in a healthy way was used again as before. Yesterday Marianne had some pain in her abdomen area and pressure in her shoulder. Today we spoke with the doctor and this afternoon he met us at the ER in Savannah.

After waiting forever on an ultrasound our absolute worst fear was found to be a reality for our new baby. He never made it from the tube into the uterus which meant the pregnancy was entopic or tubule. This means that not only will we lose this pregnancy but also that fallopian tube that delivers the eggs to the uterus. Tomorrow morning at 9 am is the surgery. They normally would do this surgery immediately but since Marianne was on a blood thinner called Lovenox she needs to wait 12 or so hours for the drug to get out of her system.

When we got the news I was heartbroken and cried more than I have in a long time. I felt heart ache like I have not felt in a long time. You know the pain that is deep in your chest and it causes an actual physical pain. I ached because my beautiful wife had suffered already enough and had more suffering ahead of her. I ached because she is heart broken at a child we will not know in this world. I ached because I believed Madi was going to be a great big sister and I wanted to see her grow with this new child. I ached because I know how much I love Madi and want to love another child as well. I ached because of loss.

Initially I was pissed because I thought, ‘what is the deal God? Why would you jerk us around like this? You know we were not even trying very hard and this pregnancy was completely your idea. So what is up with this?’

His answer was no answer. As I reeled in my shock and pain of the bomb that had just been dropped in our life I tried to process all the emotions running through my heart. Anger, sorrow, pain, dejection, depression and then guilt for all those emotions were all present. I tried to reflect on who Jesus was in this situation and I thought of Peter.

I thought of the story in the gospel where Jesus tells people who found him intriguing that they must eat his body and drink his blood. Although they were intrigued their intrigue was not enough to cause them to stick around for this blasphemous teaching for they were devout Jews. As the intrigue transitioned into disgust and the people trickled away muttering about the lunacy of this carpenter, Jesus looked at his twelve closest followers and asked if they were leaving as well. I love Peter’s response and tonight it has been my response as well. “Lord to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the eternal One of God.”

In a way Peter was saying Jesus we do not understand this and we have lots of emotions running through us that are causing us to ask questions BUT, there is no one else. You are the only one offering hope. You are the only one saying there is more to this life than the confusion, pain, sorrow, loss, and death. You are our hope, Jesus.

So tonight sitting in room 433 of Candler hospital broken hearted beside my pain inflicted wife together mourning our child who will soon be snatched away from us I announce with the prophet Habakkuk, “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.”

Dear Jesus we do not understand this but to whom shall we go, you have the words of eternal life and we believe and know that you are the eternal One of God’

I suppose I am getting closer to the edge….

pantsless in wal-mart

Marianne and I have been in South GA for a few days enjoying the sheets of humidity and bugs raining against our windshield. It is amazing how two places just a few hours apart are so different. I am sure there are plenty of ‘country’ people in Lawrenceville but wow there are some serious country people around ‘heanl’.

It is really easy to adapt to the culture when we come down here. One day Madi played in the dirt driveway of Marianne’s parent’s house, drank from the water hose and ran around the yard barefoot which are all things she never does at home. It was great because she was happy and occupied which meant she gave her mother a break for a few minutes. I even commented to Marianne how we need to find a place with a little land so she can play like this at home.

One evening we went to ‘The Wal-Mart’ (that is how you refer to it here) and Madi having already had her bath was just in a diaper and bare foot. Well….we just took her to Wal-Mart in her diaper. There she was running around in her diaper through the store looking like a good trailer park baby fresh from playing all day in the yard. She was running through sporting goods and electronics and I was chasing her having a blast. I would have never let her run around bare foot in her diaper through Hamilton Mill Wal-Mart but since we were in the ‘ham’ I thought it would be just fine.

It is bizarre how we let our guard down when we are in a comfortable setting and allow ourselves to be more of who we truly are. I believe this character trait may also carry over into our spiritual lives as well. We have a true person that we are and we know when we are being that person and when we are not.

Often times our circumstances and the people around us determines what self is revealed. Who are we trying to impress? Why do we care about their impression of us? Are we concerned about Jesus’ impression of us? Do we realize he loves our true selves and wants us to let it out for good in every situation? He wants us to stop grand standing pretending we are someone we’re not and just be who he made us to be all the time.

Whoever He made you to be, find it and live it out everyday…not matter where you are. I am certain it is more fun to live this way!

the first time every time

Today was my first trip to the beach with Madi. I was excited from the time we left Lawrenceville headed to visit family in South GA because I could not wait to play with her in the water and sand. At the beach I wanted to soak up the experience and store it deep in my memory banks to be recalled when she is trying my patience at 13.

I was pumped about this first trip to the beach with my daughter but there will probably be many more to come. They will likely become less exciting and too much like work. Burying her legs in the sand will not hold the magic it held today. This is the danger of life, we live it and expect to keep living it.

Marianne’s dad was with us at the beach. He is 72 years old and being as ornery as he is will probably live to 110. Still, my first trip with Madi may have been his last trip to the beach with his daughter. We give much attention to that first time but we should treat every time with the intensity of the first beause it may be the last.